07/08/09

the last 6 hours, the only improvement I've made is moving my butt from sitting on the bed, to now, my chair. but attention wise, still the same. facing my very own hp tablet.

and you know what?my written paper would be early january. how unfair.

the gloomiest time of the year.

I am sitting on my bed as I type,remembering one of the best birthday parties I truly did enjoy. I had my family,and my bffs. I wonder if we knew what lies ahead of us, perhaps we would all dread the year we grow a year older.
because each year brings us closer to loosing the most important men in our lives.

in the last two years, one by one started to leave
first kye's

mine;s
atun's
and now...

Be strong maggie. I know once the shock wears off things will get more difficult. but do know, that I'd be here, always, whenever you need a friend.as your crying shoulder, anything you would want me to be.
I know life wgets harder.
but it will be, Insya Allah more bearable.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

last night I had a dream about him. eventhough it was a dream, I took my chances.
the agony of pain and knowing how pain feels like.
I begged, I cried, I pleaded.
I wanted him to stay.
because he was just too important to me.
too important that I wanted to forget.

I am sorry for my selfishness.
I don't want to remember.
there's no way to turn back time.
and no way to return back what we have lost.

when i was doing my dishes and feeling the warmth of the evening sun and admiring the beauty of an evening back home.

when i feel most grounded, truly at my happiest.

when i feel closest to me.

i realized those are the moments i still miss him the most.

Sometimes I never quite understood.
Not even by witnessing,not even by feeling it.
Acknowledging it feels so wrong.
But it creeps slowly,like a shadow.
suffocating at first,suffocating at last.
I'd sit, stare and feel empty.
I just feel so lonely.

I would like to dissapear
for a while
because life holds nothing
only more heartache
only more dissapoinment.

And more painful to live.