there would always be moment like this.

"there was never a single bird in the backyard before. but the day papa came to visit, there were hundreds of birds flocking over every single day,
and the moment he went back to malaysia all the birds disappeared as well."

ina told me this story before, and again, during my recent visit, when she was looking out at the backyard. i looked at her and realized she is just as unhappy as I was. we all are.he is irreplaceable. we missed him.that's sometimes it becomes unbearable.

it still hurts.

and things would never be all right.

i remembered the night he left, the night had never felt so quiet and still. and it felt so cold.

I remember how papa would sit at the balcony to do some bird-watching. he would tell me how you can see the different types and the beautiful ones normally would come out at night.

i remembered his last words..

I remembered how he never really got to say goodbye before he left.

papa reminded me from time to time how life goes on and how all the good things must come to an end. he says how taking a one way ticket was never easy for him.

the comfort, laughters, love, jokes, advices,the expressions, him. i long for these. these are the things i can never have.

it was never easy. and it gets harder as days, months passes by. I wish I could look back on memories with fondess. the days with him seems so far away and there would always be that empty spot. I missed him too much.

i am afraid of the thought of going back to a home without him. has it really been that long?sigh.