please, lets!

at last, the day i have long awaited has arrived. i don't know why i have very little room of tolerance towards stress. the best escapism(besides drugs) would be to just get away from all this. and to see familiar faces. faces of someone who understood. . To be honest, I don't really know who I am much. either the one who lacks confidence and feels bitter towards life, or the one perceive by most to be sweet, and have a big halo floating above her head. i seem to be moving towards the former. I guess I needed to be reminded of things I should feel good and grateful about. and to know that there is atleast those who still have much faith and confidence when I seem to be placing further doubts in either as the days goes.

ah, a week off from Dublin. You can't say I don't deserve it when you have no idea how hell-ish this ride has been.

i'll tell you a secret

day one: vegetarian with the exception of eating fish.

hey, i am learning to let go of the one i love=chicken. soon ill be tired of tuna and maybe i can be the ultimate vegetarian.it's just day one but i'm speaking and it even feels like i haven't eaten chicken for quite sometime. i like madinah's chicken beriyani. because it's cheap and it's not too berempah and wet(?). it's a bit like mama's, but of course my mum still rules when it comes to making the best chicken beriyani . *smiles*

i have been ssc-ing the whole day. trying to give my reflection on a movie i have not watched. i've been shop hopping from hmv to tower records, but still no sign of the cd. in the end i decided to make my very own story, thanks to wikipedia and google. i am quite happy with the end results, given my talent to go all around the world before reaching the point. within no time, i have my 500 words essay ready. without much substance though.
I think that would be sufficient enough for tomorrow's discussion. we're going to discuss the book the diving bell which I find , suprisingly, a bit different from the movie. I mean the movie is more commercialize, and somehow does not do justice to what the author has to say. But i guess, it has always been that way. I still remebere how harry potter dissapointed me. our imagination is really something kan?

i wanna hear what you have to say about this.

it is almost fun to have a dream about a stranger. someone you make up, someone you have not crossed path with. someone whose existance could be questioned. last night i had a dream driving around town when it's raining with some random guy. that i think, is my favourite time of the day, here in dublin.the after-it-rains-at-night. a guy I kind of liked. and it felt nice. and when I woke up, I kind of missed him. the unknown guy.oh well.

i am thinking of being a vegan. why you might ask? perhaps because from my view I see it as having more potential benefits. don't get me wrong, I love meat. so how long this will last, I might have to wait and see. i have a bet with kye to be one for at least a month. let us see between us two, who is more likely to suceed. funny, but my bet is on her. perhaps because she has stronger reasons than me. my reasons are more superficial, i think a bit selfish even. heh.

the weather these last few days has been quite nice. though I have headaches that goes on and off every now and then. but let us hope it shall stay this way. after all, it's may kan.

the diving bell and the butterfly

i loved the poster. but it took me a long time to actually watch it. perhaps because I wasnt in the mood for depressing movies. I don't need another movie to bring my whole spirit to the floor.


i don't quite know whether i love it, but I know I liked it. It's about this guy who had a locked-in syndrome, where he communicates using his one eye. he had a stroke, so the only thing that was still functional was his right eye i think. so basically the movie revolves around how he communicates and managed to write a book using the blink of his eye. one blink is for a yes, and two is for a no. i was supposed to read this for my assignment, but i thought I didnt have the time. i found out that we were supposed to give our reviews by next week, so I guess I'll spend my weekend on the finishing this assignment. the ending was sad, and I never like depressing movies. but go watch it if you have the time and money.

i love my ssc. basically because it involves watching movies and giving you're opinion about it. perhaps because the scope is wide, and you can crap alot for your 2000 words. I was never one who would go for the evidence-based research. Maybe because I don't think I am that smart, or maybe I couldnt bother confusing my mind more on statistical figures. so reason I chose medicine and humanities, you tell me. i guess it is pretty obvious.

the thing is.

oh kaname is H.O.T!!i think I am in love, with someone who is not even real.
but no harm in dreaming, no?

the thing is , i have a thing for vampires. they're just so. *blush blush*

and yea, vampire knight is awesome. go watch it if you have ample of time to waste. de-stress mission accomplished. but by the by, kaname is mine. so you know.

the sun is here.

i feel a certain longing whenever the weather is nice.

i think what I see is pretty. in a heartbreaking way.

i know it never fails to put me in this melancholic mood.

it's one of the many things I think feels familiar.

i missed home. but I missed the home I have always been looking forward to go back to.

I have always looked forward to going back home. to the long holidays.


but this year, and the next year, and the following years....

you know, it is amazing how a very boring day turns into a not-so-bad
day when i heard a funny heart sound. it sounded like a squeak. i know i know,
the worst thing is to be overjoyed with ones abnormalities, but I look
and him and he looked at me, and we both understood, that hey this is a
discovery! He was a good patient, and some I had on that day refused to even
have a little chat. I don't blame them. I do feel guilty as most of the
patients are 70+ and to do the physical examination could be a little
uncomfortable.

oh, I am looking forward to Saturday!:)))

You said you had a long dream,a very sad dream.

i have been lazy. very. that is something I am willing to admit. and that is something I don't feel like doing anything about either.

I was talking to a friend and I was saying how I wish we could just live a life and not having to have to be commited to anything at all. to me, it sounded like a blistful life. I loved the idea.

I understand the importance of knowledge, but I hold on to the freedom of seeking it. and not for it to be tested upon. or for us to be like a sponge, absorbing everything in, and pour it out whenever the time comes.
I don't know, I guess as I grow, I get tired of learnng things. of having to follow rules that doenst seem to make sense.

when you ask me can I just live doing nothing? there will be a point when boredom decides to grace me with its presence. but I think I am happy doing things I can put my heart into. these things are not anything fancy, but I don't mind going a thousand mile as long as I can keep these with me. perhaps I am not making any sense, except to myself that is. but maybe I am growing a bit bitter but for now I would like to remain that way. I will move on the brighter side, but for the time being I would like to stay just here.

lately, I have been having unhappy thoughts. I think I succumb to tears so easily. I think the in denial period seems to be wearing off and from time to time I am hit by the reality I have been trying to run away from.

i wish he was here.

i wish that everything makes sense. it was never perfect, but I felt there were meaning in everything that I do.

in one day, I can feel the four seasons. winter, autumn, spring, summer.

and it's april.

weird.

I would like to go to the beach and sing you a la-la song.:)

I need more crash course books. I don't need details, I just need something to help me sail through the exam.

love me, like I love you.

volleyball practises never fail to make me have this horrible muscle cramp all over the body. and to think, I have my advanced clinical skills next week, and osce by the end of it.

but I love it. I decided to stick to what I am good at, and be happy with it. the feeling and the satisfaction was so familiar. and I havent felt like this for a long long time.

hello lover.

they say, nothing last forever.
dreams change.
trends come and go.
but friendship never goes out of style.

a five hour of the sex and the city marathon, I kind of get what the fuss was all about it. i thought it was all about sex. and the sex talks. maybe I was a bit wrong about the whole concept. it took me years to force myself to sit down and watch it.

friendship, indeed, never goes out of style. when ppl have the same ideas and believes in it as much as you do.

can I giggle this way?

today i woke up around 6. and the next thing I know it was 12 pm.
god, I really need to do something to boost up my motivation level.

things I should and probably would be doing sometime soon:
a) see patients whenever I am free. practise!
b) allocate 2 hours studying every day.
c) start loosing weight. the bet will be over by july. it's either I am 300 richer or poorer. heh.

on the other note, my roomate is having her finals 2morow. and I am trying to get out of her way. that means,by staying in the living room. I know I would want my own privacy whenever the big thing arrives. I wonder how it feels being a final med. even now I am starting to freak out at the possibility of devoting more of my time into studying.
I don't know. sometimes I think I need a break. but on 2nd thougt, I aactually have ample time in my hand.

I have been listening to this indonesian band ungu : tercipta untukku. I know it is an old song. I think the words are pretty hearbreaking and it makes me all sad somehow. Especially when I am on the bus, heading back on a very sunny day. especially when the he goes
"Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah
Yang meyakiniku"

what do you think?

"ku mahu kau menemaniku, di setiap langkah meyakiniku"