this is my confession

my dad used to say "jangan sombong, tak baik" one day when I was having one of my tempers.

I have told myself plenty of times, I'd rather have my ppl rather than waste my time on others who'd end up hurting or annoy me. but without realizing it, I have shutted out so many. over time I became more selective, and as I age I think I got tired of trying to make small talks, or trying to create a conversation with a total stranger. so I would say, I do not mind being alone, because I'd rather be alone rather than have to go through the awkwardness of conversing with another.perhaps as time goes,socializing does not come naturally to me compared to the rest of you. I'd feel like the odd one out. most of the time I am pretty alright with things being the way it is, but I have moments where I wonder what went wrong.

I admired my dad for his ability communicating with people from all levels of life with such humbleness and confidence. for his intelligence, and his views which amazed me and many others. He accepts and he forgives. no matter how difficult his life was made by these people, no matter how hurtful their actions can sometimes be.I watched, as he accepts these people into our home, for raya, for various occasions, and he welcomes them with open arms.

I admired him for not being easily carried away by his emotions or letting his emotion influence his decisions. and for seeing the two sides in everything.and for not holding any grudges.

I am ashamed sometimes, as I am far from being like him. when with others I may seem a bit odd, he'd look at me with such pride and believes in me even when I doubt myself too much. in his eyes, I am that special. for I am after all his darling.

and I missed him.
that sometimes it scares me. nothing can truly describe the feeling of loosing someone. changes takes place subtly, without me even realizing it.

I can't believe it is going to be one year very soon.Al-fatihah..