smile for me, please.

i am tired.

between the rush of who is better than who.

of trying to appear smart than another.


and all the pretentious talks.

god,i need some place where I do belong. no matter how long I have been here, my heart doesnt seem to be at the right place, and I feel like a stranger to myself.

a tear

family, nothing comes close.and nothing is more permanent.

the I post

aha, i do blogged a lot. especially when boredom strikes. especially when I am feeling low.

okay,
I will try not to let the negative vibe spread into the way I write.
but somehow, I realize I am more motivated to write when I am having a bad
day. ah, the comfort of your own words.

I have a new handphone.
I was never one who is up-to-date in the IT department. I do not see
the practicality. as long as it serves it's function I am a happy
person.

and I have to say I missed the old handphone.For what
it served and for the thousand memories linked to it. I would have
never thought it would be taken away from me, especially considering
the design, and I fondly call it " thekene gigit tikus hp". yati was making fun of how the thief was trying out his luck and would go "oh no, not what I have in mind definitely!".
note: oh, damn you to hell whoever you are. my your life be cursed from generation to generation.

Sigh.
I was a bit intrigued by the design and all the stuff you can do with this new one, but after a while it gave my a terrible headache.the vibrancy of colors and the complexity in a gadget? no thank you. but this will do for now.

dreams.

I remembered turning around and seeing you there. you holding out you're hand and me reaching out for it. the familiarity, the comfort, and feeling safe again. and having nothing to worry about.

it felt like home.

wincing the night away

I finally went for my first dancing lesson. I really thought I would be paying for some studio that at least have a mirror. at least I know whether I am getting things right. but they didnt have any, and I felt like giving it a go. enjoyable really, the music and the crowd kinda helped in a way. it was more like a small group, so it's like we were a given private lesson. I thought it was fun, but was a bit like learning things from the cds. but hey, mission accomplished!i finally made some move in achieving things I really would like to do before i grow grey and old, without knowing any moves. haha

grey and old, I seem to use that word a lot, no?

and please do watch spiderwick chronicles. i thought it was not my cup of tea, but it was suprisingly entertaining nonetheless. actors who can really act does wonders,even if the plot might have been a bit predictable.this is in comparison to 10,000 BC, where the casts are, one word kaku. sigh.

ain't no sunshine when you're gone

i wish i can tell you how painful it is when I fondly unfold the strings of memories from the past, the it hits me I can never do any more of that.

I am not sure how I am. I realize I felt empty all these while. when I discover something new, when part of my life changes, I am reminded that you are no longer here with me.

i long for the memories, i long for so many of things I can never have.

why the cruelty? why the suffering? why the grieving?

but underneath this hovering grey cloud, I do know something for sure..that I,really can't wait to see you again.:'(

you're the part of me I love

I just realized I don't display my emotions in public very well. It is more of a protective layer, trying to appear more guarded. I believe that now, most might think I am an insensitive person, when truly, you clearly have no idea. the truth is you don't know me at all. I only allow you to see the part I want you to see.

on the other note, I am very proud of my sister. I know it was a very hard time for you. with papa's condition and it happend when you were having you're SPM. I know it has been a very rough time. I know it must have been most painful for you. but Congratulations to the one I always have my cat and dog fight with. I truly do love you, never have any doubt in that. even when I am in my meanest mode. :)
And we are all here to support you all the way through whichever route you choose.

p/s:my twitching eye just won't go away. how can I ever look into any eye?:(

i keep singing into the sky

i have a suddden urge to learn something. you know what i would like to do? i really would like to take up dancing. i think i am a bit self-concious, and i think a little guidance might help in you know, learning some moves. i think i have always wanted to try something, but never came around really doing it. i think it is about time i take charge of my own life.okay, i didnt sound a bit too motivated,,, er right?


you know what? i have a twitching eye. the one that comes and go. the one that moves from the end to the middle. god this is so annoying.

I am a free man with no free place to go.

aloha!

so i am back again. after a few days bumming around I figurd I really should start blogging again. the other account is still valid, but somehow it is getting too personal. and I think you know I like to keep most of my skeleton in the closet. i think, lately, I have been letting most of the things I normally would not let ppl know out there. so I think it is time to put an end to it.

i was never out there to fish for symphathy. at times I feel I am gaining much support that I can, but you know what? in the end I think the one that stood there through out these rough time was me, and of course my familia, and a few others back home. it's okay, I know you never truly understood.perhaps you never will. I don't believe in friendship as much as I did. it was beautiful while it lasted. and thank you for the memories.

what has been up? nothing much. hospital life sucks. i never believe I am cut to do this. I don't know. most of the time I do feel lost, and somehow the changes makes me missed the familiar things so much more. I think things are moving on too fast. and
now I am done with the medical rotation, and still managed to get one of the SHO laugh at my obvious lack of clinical skills. " no you wouldnt wanna do that" he says. sigh.

you know what i really would like to do? other than turning back time, and you know... i could use a road trip. with my fav ppl, with my fav music, heading to the the beach on a sunny sunny day. i need a break. but please refer to the above.