Home's face, how it ages when you're away

in 5 more minutes, we will be reaching the end of 2008. it has been a tough year. especially when you're on your own, and the one who could ever truly understand is you. throughout this year, I wanted someone, a friend, so badly, to hold my hand and be there for me. I didn't want to feel alone.but this year, I felt most alone.

it was the year I was up for bungee jumping, or anything height-related.just let it all out you know?.

because it was a whole year without him.

and here's to another year and I hope I am strong enough.

and I will be.

i have been eating like.. i think it doesnt do justice if I used the word hippo anymore!why is it so hard to diet?I am turning 24 in perhaps 3 weeks time and help me, I'm still fat. yes, I'd like to be stick thin. at least even for a day. maybe I'll put in serious effort for 2009, because guess what, the following year I wouldnt want to be 25, and yes,still fat.

updates. I have watched twilight and no suprise, I didnt like it. I think some things are better left to the imagination. not that the series was anything much pon. I think I only like the first half of the first book, and the idea of edward cullen. and they had to destroy even him by having robert play the role of edward cullen. he's such a pretty boy, and my edward is not suppose to be that type! and the girl who played bella was, well annoying as well. partly because I've seen her in a horror movie, and she was horrible,acting-wise. so when she was in twilight it kind of kill the whole anticipation of waiting for the movie itself. I kind of get all the hype about harry potter but I think the whole vampire-human idea has been used so many times, and the story line is just uninteresting. I still do like vampires, and the idea of them as boyfriends. if only.

i love chicken, chicken and chicken. no matter in what kind of form it's served. except for kfc. i can only eat klia's kfcccc. :D

this is jasmine.:) well, excuse my medusa looking hair.heh.
she's beautiful, and I feel old. I am an aunt to 4 kids already!:P

I think this year, this month, I cried the most because the truth is I really miss him. and I really want to see him and hear his voice. and I really want to wake up the next morning and wake up to a very long bad dream.and I would call home and he'd answer and say "in some foreign language he makes up, achi puteh, cakap laju sangat papa tak faham..and he goes yes my achi puteh, how are you?". :,(

Your heart is an empty home-dcfc

Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground
And start new when your heart is an empty room
With walls of the deepest blue

Home's face: how it ages when you're away
Spring blooms and you find the love that's true
But you don't know what now to do
Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago

And all you see is where else you could be When you're at home
And out on the street Are so many possibilities to not be alone

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear <----------
But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
Cause you knew you were finally free


Cause all you see is where else you could be, When you're at home
Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone
And all you see is where else you could be,
when you're at home,
There on the street,
are so many possibilities to not be alone

i am a happy person todayyyy.:)

i have had a very tiring 5 weeks. i mean routines exhaust and my happy doses are wearing off. yes, I complain. a lot.and that would be the main reason why i blog.

I have started my paeds rotations. I have plenty to study considering my last-minute habit. I never learn. I am motivated one day, but my favourite phrase would still be 'MONDAY is the best day to start everything!' and come monday, I am 'all right, I can't believe I took so long to stay this motivated' and by wednesday I'd settle to my old habit. which involves overdosing myself with caffeine, watching random movies on surfthechannel, binge eating, and well, not studying. I am not driven to do anything, which sometimes worries me(hah!).

on the happier note, my sister and abg nik is expecting their baby girl in the next 2/3 days!I can't believe it is going to be that soon and that there's going to be an additional cheeky one to the three kiddos!this must be the cheekiest of them all considering how much havoc she has created before her arrival!I can't wait!i just wishe I didnt have this stupid exam to sit so I can just take a few days off to be there!sigh. but patience is virtue no? plus I've already book my tickets to manchester on the 20th. my mum would be coming dwn as well!so many happy things to look forward too!:DD

The Chain Will Link Again

God looked around his garden
And he found an empty place
He then looked down upon this earth,
And saw your tired face.

He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest
God's garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering
He knew you were in pain
He knew that you would never
Get well on earth again.

He saw that the road was getting rough,
And the hills are hard to climb

So He closed your weary eyelids,
And whispered "Peace be thine"
It broke our heart to lose you
But you didn't go alone
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories
Your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you,
You are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same,
But God will call us one by one,
The chain will link again.

Atun, eventhough words may not be good enough, do know that you have us no matter what. Al-Fatihah

your ex-lover is dead-stars

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I like what you say

oh hey, the purpose of this blog is to post up entries, entries which are not supposed to be too personal. but somehow it always bounce back towards the same direction*slaps face*. okay from now onwards, daily routines, hospital life should be posted on the blog. promise!

day 1: I am an idiot who is bound to make mistakes in the future or maybe fail one of my rotations. medical details doesnt stick in my head, or even the medical terms.so how?

this is my confession

my dad used to say "jangan sombong, tak baik" one day when I was having one of my tempers.

I have told myself plenty of times, I'd rather have my ppl rather than waste my time on others who'd end up hurting or annoy me. but without realizing it, I have shutted out so many. over time I became more selective, and as I age I think I got tired of trying to make small talks, or trying to create a conversation with a total stranger. so I would say, I do not mind being alone, because I'd rather be alone rather than have to go through the awkwardness of conversing with another.perhaps as time goes,socializing does not come naturally to me compared to the rest of you. I'd feel like the odd one out. most of the time I am pretty alright with things being the way it is, but I have moments where I wonder what went wrong.

I admired my dad for his ability communicating with people from all levels of life with such humbleness and confidence. for his intelligence, and his views which amazed me and many others. He accepts and he forgives. no matter how difficult his life was made by these people, no matter how hurtful their actions can sometimes be.I watched, as he accepts these people into our home, for raya, for various occasions, and he welcomes them with open arms.

I admired him for not being easily carried away by his emotions or letting his emotion influence his decisions. and for seeing the two sides in everything.and for not holding any grudges.

I am ashamed sometimes, as I am far from being like him. when with others I may seem a bit odd, he'd look at me with such pride and believes in me even when I doubt myself too much. in his eyes, I am that special. for I am after all his darling.

and I missed him.
that sometimes it scares me. nothing can truly describe the feeling of loosing someone. changes takes place subtly, without me even realizing it.

I can't believe it is going to be one year very soon.Al-fatihah..

the cold heart will burst

i really miss him.

I have nowhere to go

i get annoyed A LOT lately.(again please mark the capital letters used in the following text)

reasons being
a)I like my privacy and I don't like people getting overfamiliar with me.
b)I like clean toilets and hates it when stuffs meant for your eyes only are left for the unfortunate to see. flushing does not take a lot of effort no?nor does cleaning the toilet.
c)It never makes sense why one doesnt do their dishes. AGAIN, it takes VERY minimal effort. I'd like to make a proposition where it involves you leaving YOUR plate in YOUR room. See if you like the sight YOUR dirty plates and mugs will make.
d)I think housework needs very minimal effort.and pointing fingers are no fun. and so is our own selfishness. why is it so hard to carry out our fair share of duty is beyond me.

When things like the above comes in small doses it's fine, but once left prolonged it becomes an eyesore, and you start seeing people in a different light.

Hello there

I really don't like copycats. I believe my collection of interests and others is sacred and what defines me. SO please, stop trying to like things that I like. Why, it sounds like you're trying to be me.

take me there

i wish i was around people who knows me underneath these heavy layers.sigh.


this sucks.

and I hate being here.sigh.

the untitled post

right now,

I am watching the 12th episode of 'kekasihku seru' and am a religious follower of 'GREEK'.

I am as free as a bird. but maybe not as free, as I am tied down with daily routines and commitments. sometimes, I am thankful of days filled with trips to the hospitals. but that can be daunting as is proven when I get extra creative in regards to rules bending. having nothing to do here in Dublin is such a pain, when at home, I wouldnt be complaining as much.i feel unproductive, when I should be out there somewher, cherising every bits life has to offer.That when I look back, it wouldnt be filled with regrets, but maybe a trace of triumph. that I, have accomplished something in life. but you dream of big big things, and being a daydremer isnt much of a help either. I have no one but myself left to blame. I thought I am passed this stage, but it seems I am nowhere at the end of it.

friends did you miss me?

I'd like to go to the zoo, and I'd like to travel somewhere. anywhere. anyone?

i want my very own doraemon.who doesnt want the pintu suka hati, and everything else in that little pocket?there's nothing the funny looking cat without ears cant do kan?

why so serious?

i've a week plus left. there isn't any part of me wanting to go back, minus my tummy(haha). but oh well, life comes with a lot of responsibilities, and I've 2 years to go. so I'd say, let's go with it. after all, I get long breaks and get to celebrate raya at home. some others do not have the same opportunities.I guess we're all lucky in different ways.

I just got my baju raya, and that's a living proof that I've expanded. I think I chose the wrong colour. too bright for my liking. let's see if I could shed a few pounds off in a week, or I shall go baju raya hunting the day before the day.

Ramadhan is moving so fast and it saddens me that we're reaching the end of it. I am not really looking forward to the month which comes after.:(

gotta have you

Imperfection

Imperfection is beautiful. I am sure you've heard this. and when I hear one says this, I can't think of anything but my family.

I sometimes wished I had a somewhat normal family, where everyone is well-behaved, and we would all mind our own business. but when I am away, or when I am with my family, I realized I missed this imperfection. my mum's siren,ina and her proper ways, niza's mood swings, boy and his own ways, hanim's baby talks, and yati and her awesomeness.We all are different, and what makes us differ from each other makes us closer. The unspoken bond. We might be one hell of a dysfunctional family. But, what you see is what you get, there's nothing pretentious about us. and it's always noisy when everyone is around, and I think it is too quiet when one goes missing. we have each others back, and would'nt mind going far for another. though I sometimes feel much annoyance towards one, but sometimes,I feel I am overwhelmed by how much love I feel for them.and sometimes I missed them so much even when they're right in front of me. I fear one day this will all go away. and one day this will all belong to my past, and I will long to re-live these days.I'm afraid of the word memory.
imperfection is indeed beautiful, don't you think?

i don't sleep anytime before 2 am.

for the longest time, maybe not too long, I have nothing at all to say. words seemed redundant, and when I do feel like blogging, it's more of a medium to express my anger. oh I certainly had loads few days back,to the point I felt emotionally unstable and I hit the lowest point in my life. I feel way better now and surprisingly calmer. should I blame it on the hormones? I admit, i have terrible mood swings. my mom was the victim, and naturally, I would feel guilty for my own childish actions. she was only forgiving, and treated me as if nothing ever happened once we had one of our fights. i have to learn to control my temper for words can certainly hurt in ways you can imagine.grr,,,woof!

i like to procrastinate. but don't we all? I still have not sent in my GARDA clearance form or change my flight tickets. all should be done a long long time ago, but being the lazy bum that I am hence the delay. the Internet is corrupting my brain as much as it is shattering my priorities. I am being such an anti-social, though this is nothing new, and i feel isolated from the world more than ever.I shall expand until I reach the size of the bed. I can feel it has already started though it's a fasting month.

i don't get dramas as much as I don't get stupidity and superficiality. I wish we could settle for embracing diversity and not have this 'trends and obsessions'. It's just too annoying. why do we have to be such a show-off and why do we try so hard?after all, isn't living life in moderation the best way to live a life?

Happy Ramadhan people!:)

i need a life makeover.

“Sometimes you cry, Susie, even when someone you love has been gone a long time.” -the lovely bones

your short stories

Extremely saddened by the untimely demise of Dr. Ishak bin Omar which I only came to know when I checked mail this morning. I have been away from home for about a week. Ishak and I were ex-1st RC. He cut a familiar figure with his three-quarters sleeves and dark shades. He used to play a fair bit of carroms at the Common Room and took part in college level carroms championships.Like what Kon Wei said, I reckon one of the loudest applause from our graduating class was accorded to him at our convo. I am glad to have met and chatted with him during your son's wedding where he looked so dignified with his maroon baju melayu. My heartfelt condolences to his wife and children.-chee teck son

So sad to hear of the passing away of a very old friend. We were classmates since Wellesley Primary School in Penang. Still remember him vividly as a gangly and mischievous 8 year old. Thanks for conveying our classmates condolences to his family.-Aik Chin

While in academia, unfortunately we were at different Universities and read very different disciplines so our professional paths rarely crossover. However, the 4 years we all spent together at the Faculty of Agriculture, have imbued in us a very strong friendship – nay, a better word would be a special kinship – that would last and endure. I shall always remember the slight uproar the graduating class of 1971 created during our Convocation, when we clapped in unison for each and everyone of us when we received our scrolls.

The lasting image of Ishak during our student days would be the Sunglasses Gang during our first year at the Science Faculty. I am sure Mohd Shah would would recall fond memories of his adventures with Ishak and Anwar and the rest of the First College crowd.-KWLiew

My parents told me about your family sad loss.. I am so sorry and wanted to offer you my heartfelt condolences. To tell you the truth, i dont know what to say.. i wish i could tell you i know how you feel, but i certainly dont and i can only imagine how this must have been difficult to you.
I was told by my parents that your father was a remarkable man. He was a wonderful friend. Indeed you are very fortunate to have him as your mentor whom has raised his children lovingly and beautifully, which he had to have been proud of.-Nani

Dear Humaira,

We are really so sorry to hear about your father. He was doing so well when I visited all of you last summer, and even went on the trip to the UK. Remarkable that he could make that trip after all that he had been through. We are certainly glad that he was able to make that last trip to the UK to see your sister and her family and the country where he also spent a lot of time.

Please give our very best regards,condolences, and sympathy to your fine mother and all of your brothers and sisters and their families. We can only imagine how difficult all of this has been for all of you. Your father was a remarkable and wonderful man. He was one of the most humane and kind people I have ever met anywhere in the world. He had to be for a friendship with a person of another part of the world from so many years ago to remain alive and vibrant. He was also one of the really talented people I have met.

He had such a love of all of you and of life, and his absence will surely be very, very difficult for all of you, especially after the shock wears off. Our condolences, hearts, prayers, and best wishes are with all of you.

We can be rest assured of several things, however. One is that he passed away at peace with himself and with life, since he led a good life and was dedicated to all of you and had nothing but kindness and mercy toward his fellow human beings. We can also be sure that he loved all of you as deeply as any man can. We can also be assured that he is with his maker and watching over all of you. And, finally, we can be rest assured that he is making joke after joke!!

Our very best wishes to all of you,

Dale, Shirin, Haleh, and Phillip
_____________________________________________________________________________________

One of the moments I remembered was looking down one morning, looking at you under the pokok belimbing, wrapping each one of the fruits and even then, I missed you. that green shirt, the cap,the whole gardening attire.It was a beautiful sight.

my world is different now. once, i was as carefree, not as insecure, not as intimidated by anything. you were my pride, you were someone I would run to and always felt welcomed. where I can turn my back onto the world which seemed pretentious and exhausting. I found that love, laughter, silly jokes, the words of encouragement. ahh yes, that smile we loved, the expressions you make.I seemed to be missing that world a lot lately when, that world seemed so far from my reach now.

missing a person is such a cruel thing. it's strange how I missed you most when I am in my happiest, or saddest state. and today is one of the days.

Happy 61st birthday Papachi, May you find peace and Insya Allah you are in a better place. May Allah SWT bless your soul always. Al-Fatihah.

you will always have that special spot in our hearts, the spot that will forever ache when we think of you -Your Aci Puteh/Darling

walk for life

Last weekend, I walked for a life. at titiwangsa. so did mama, yati and fadhli.so did thousands of people from all over Malaysia. I've never set a foot but I personally think it was a good spot to start living a healthy life. If only it was nearby, perhaps I would have gone jogging every single day. but yeah right. I am so full of excuses!

i love brendan fraser too.

to you guys whos planning to watch the journey to the centre of earth, do watch it at cinemas which offers the 3D thingy. :)

missed out on each other now

I think I need to start doing my hospital attachments. but I'm too lazy, so how la? I mean my semester holidays are normally used to make me forget my chapters as a medical student. and perhaps get in touch with something more familiar(haha), but somehow I feel I know nothing even though I'm entering my fourth year. hopefully in a month or so, I'd be doing my attachments in either hosp putrajaya or serdang or UH. is it normal to naturally feel you're not qualified enough to be responsible for so many lives?

I think when I am back home, I worry about my safety considering I've been hearing so many stories. with the unstable condition people are getting more desperate, and naturally the crime rate will increase right? my uncle's hp stolen when he left it in his car while visiting us. see people? even in broad daylight these people are getting a bit more daring. they fear nothing. like yesterday, there was this perdana parked outside my house and I heard someone yelling their salam, so I went to check who it was from mum's bedroom window. I am very smart you see, I kept quiet, when what I was supposed to do was

a)take pictures or even
b)jot down the plat number, or
c)call the police!

but before you start pointing you're fingers at me, I found out later that my mum actually called the mechanic, and from her description I shall say I saved myself from any embarrassment. though yati gave me an hour worth of lecture (yes I'm exaggerating) and told me I might get some reward if they catch the thief(this I like)I think similar episodes happened before, but yati took videos and pictures, so I shall take note when I ever encounter situations like this.


so ok people, stay safe and don't talk to strangers!:)

until I can sing a new song

these was taken during our day trip to perak to visit niza at her matrikulasi. her place is so far though it was a 2 hour journey from selangor. I should not be complaining since what I did was sleep and eat. but hey, anything for the people you love right?oh, that didnt mean to come out sounding a bit too corny, but you get what I mean.we went to both ipoh parade and jaya jusco. spent about 7 hours with niza, ate ate and ate somemore, handed over niza's new laptop and headed back.it felt weird sending niza back considering I am the one who normally leaves:)


so let me see, today, we went over to visit Unc Rahim and Auntie Zubie and stuffed myself with dominos when we're home. yumms.

the wednesday post

let's see, today i cleaned the toilet, filled the fish pond with water, went on the trademill, and cleaned upstairs. okay, that doesnt make me an official bibik right? but when I'm home, there's an automatic need to shed responsibilities around the hse. I actually feel good about myself and feel useful to the society in some way. I am even thankful there's something for me to do everyday. no, don't get me wrong. the last thing I'd like to do is boast my good deeds to you blog readers, or let you see the other part of me you never thought existed. it's just that sometimes, I am amazed at the change.:)

I'd be watching hancocok in a few more hours. I think the trailer looks dumb, but it's good because it lowers you're expectations and makes a movie bearabable.

like I said, I have not hit the gym since last friday. might as well go on a salad diet and save my cash which could be used for other purposes. I hate shopping in here. mainly because you can nver get items for 20 bucks and below.i was never a big spender but you can never deny the joy which comes with finding something dirt cheap and nice. ok la, you gained some , you loose some.

oh the redken line is pretty good. my hair is outta my control.

as you can see, up there are total random stuffs. but I'd be posting up something more like this. saves the energy and time.


a note to myself: last night I dreamt of him.and in my dreams, it feels like he has always been around. I forget he's no longer with us and that everytime I wake up I am greeted with dissapoinment.

can you see it?

and I still can't beat hanim's chocolate cake though my family says it's sedaaappp.
and the smarties is now a trademark for my cake.:P

A True star

today yati turns 27.

so here goes

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YATICHI!!!!

my sister is amazing and truly is someone who is beautiful inside out.for those who Im close to should now how much she means to me. and by saying that I mean more than a lot.:) I shall be baking a cake later on, but I havent baked for so long that I fear the results. especially when I am anticipating something out of the ordinary. the last time I baked was 2 years ago for my dad's birthday and it turned out really good! here's a sneak peak and hey, don't judge a book from its cover ok.;)

I think I'd post up pictures of the other cake later.:)

my fingers smells of chicken

zara is such a doll la. i think ina has been blessed with beautiful kids. but then again, i think when i think of a person who's murah rezeki, she comes close to the definition. I wish I was, but we both know I'm not really, with very few exceptions.


what's else is new?oh I joined a gym and shall be working my butt off later this evening. i can't wait! after watching angie in WANTED, I am more motivated to loose weight. though I personally think joining the gym helped more in boosting my hunger. maybe because I now have something to fall back to. but the place looks nice. lets hope it would be able to hold my interest for long. the thing about me is that I am lazy. but let's pretend you don't already know that either.

I am meeting friends in a few more hours!:)

you remind me of home.

I've been back since last thursday.

There were so many first times, and I don't think I took it well. On my journey here, I made a promise to myself. but the moment I saw the house and the garden, everything I was holding on began to crumble. It hurted more now compared to the last time I left. I understood better over the time. acceptance was never an option or answer.


but I'm glad to be back home.yes, home sweet home.

shine on

I should be happy because I got some good gifts and passed my exams.:)

Happy Father's Day

today is the day I never thought would come so soon. It never crossed my mind I would never be able say this to you pa.

to the one who made fun of my tummy, my pimples and how fast I speak.

to the one who always wanted me to help him put the biore porepacks on.

to the one who calls me darling and aci puteh.

to the who calls me tukang urut and org gaji.

to the one who was both my bestfriend and papachi.

to the one who sees me in the way I would never see myself.

to the one who had only loved,taught and given us so much.

to the one I wished everyday was with me, and will always miss,remember and think of.

Happy Father's Day my Papachi.


You truly are and will forever be my world's greatest.and I love you so so much.


so for today, I'd leave one of the songs you used to sing in the car when we're listening to light and easy.:)

the garden you planted-Seawolf

Good Morning Dear
I hope I didnt wake you too soon
Because my mind is growing tired
Too much thinking what I should do
I picture you out there
It must be beautiful this time of year
All those East Coast leaves
Floating round like embers from burning trees
Well the weather out here is just the same
But the garden that you planted remains.
Now its only work
Each day bleeding into the next
Barely scraping by I tire myself out just so I can rest
But rest it rightly comes
And when it does I come out and go home
Because its much too quiet
Seems that Im not suited to being in love
And everyone around mes changed
But the garden that you planted remains.
I think about you
Maybe more than I should
But the smog is getting old
The drugs Im taking arent so good
So will you talk to me
Even though youve had a late night
Because I need a little help
Baby, tell me Ill be alright
Cause everything around mes changed
But the garden that you planted remains

whatever sets you apart?

isolation is never good for your mental health. that was what i got from the half an hour wait for each movies. perhaps this explains the one below? oh come on, we all have our own guilty pleasures, and for me this is one of it. I can't watch the oc or one tree hill, but this my friend, is an exception. thanks to cappie!:))okay, I admit, greek is another teenage drama, but I think what sets it apart is for you to find out.

7 days, and I'm going a bit coookooo!

can I like edward norton too?:) so besides shia, i like him and oh, james mcAvoy. though I don't like the way he looked in Wanted, plus he looks a bit weird with angelina jolie.but I still love him nonetheless.:)


I should really find a hobby rather than spend too much time at the movies. but that's considered a hobby too right?and the other goes to wasting more money on subway everyday. what ever happend to the soup diet?:D

I've decided that I love shia Labeouf. ok, this might not be the best picture of him(hee!). I have yet to watch indiana jones.I've watched the ones before, but can't quite remember what the whole thing was about remember there was a scene where they had to eat from a monkey's head.and that was it. oh and the song!how can you forget la kan.

It's funny when I'm having exams there's plenty of things to do on the net and at the movies. Now that I'm done, I'm not sure what is left for me to do. waking up at 4?done that. being a couch potato?checked.oh well, I guess I have to wait patiently for my flight back home. or maybe I could just go over to my sister's for a week. but the only thing that is holding me back is the temptation of food. I'm suppose to be on a soup diet for the next 2 weeks. I had the whole 6 months before the bet, and hoping for a miracle for these last two weeks.I would never learned my lesson. why is it soooo hard?:(


the good news is I passed my CNS module!I had it rechecked and was about to accept the fact that I might have to resit for the paper on the 24th.And luck is finally on my side this time around.I first encountered failure, and now I am freed of it. It haunted me for quite sometime and it was an unpleasent experience.but I thought I learnt from it a bit.yes, abit.

dublin weather is so so nice these days.

I am done with the exams! I screwed up a lot, and high chances of failing is almost absolute, but oh well I am glad it is over and done with! I have plenty of time to myself. me loves this!

I liked sex and the city-the movie. I could'nt have asked for a better wrapped up for the series.I thought it was more like watching the series, which is a good thing. I would'nt want it to differ too much from what kept us hooked in the first place. :)


on the other note, I am so happy for yati and fadhli!yes, finally!:D

me, msyelf and I.

today, i wonder why my heart feels so sad, and I feel disgusted beyond belief. I was never supportive and I had mean-ingly questioned your existence.

over the years, I began to despise you. it was hatred built out of anger and frustration, when deep down inside I should have known it is impossible when things are surely out of your control.

I am sorry, for my own selfishness, for not paying attention to the pleas. I should only know to well, the emptiness of being alone.

today I realize that life was never fair,and made me believe more in what I hold on to religiously. It is painful to know and watch, you being consumed by it, and we can do nothing but resolved to this.

someday, one day, I hope that things will get better for all of us. and we could share the bond I have turned my back on to and let you know that I will be there for you, like I should always have.

a reason to feel blessed.

exam is in less than 2 weeks time. wish me luck!i have someone kind enough to teach me all the important clinical stuffs.i hope i am prepared when the time comes. i have the tendency to go all blank if I am too nervous. sigh.

i saw a pigeon got hit by a car on my way back. is that considered bad luck?

oh happy 23rd birthday maggie!me loves you!:)

take me away

papa used to tell me how org merajuk will never go far in life. He would make fun and called me "woodpecker" for the look I will normally put on.

i miss my dad and his silly jokes.

i wish i was not someone who gets carried away with my emotions. this is my weakness and sometimes i get tired of fighting against it. i know it's not a healthy feeling.

this journey is a very lonely path don't you think?i miss the connections which I fail to find here.


Dublin is so cold and gloomy today.

a midnight craving.

for now i am craving for this. and maggie goreng mamak. oh and nasi goreng kerabu!
how about roti bom? the choices are endless. temptations you should say.

oh 25th june-24th september 08. that is date I'd be going back. wheepeedoo!i am lucky in finding cheap tickets but i wished i had more luck with my exams. in this, my luck seems to be wearing off. grr and sigh.

yes, i miss home. the 24/7 sunny weather, the food, the things to do,friends, family and he is just nearby.

perhaps this explains watching so many stuffs that reminds me of home.

bring on the humour.

this malay drama(ghost) is suprisingly watchable.it's stars chery samad and nazrudin rahman. i never gave second thoughts to the local dramas. partly because the acting annoys me, and secondly because the storyline just annoys me. i try to remain neutral but you should understand why it is impossible to remain so. haha

i don't know what brought on the marathon. perhaps the company and influence of my roomate. but the acting is suprisingly believable.and the guy is kinda cute.

remember those days we use to make fun of those datuk and datin scenes? I say we have more of this please.malaysia boleh!:)

remember that LL lane?

i am sorry, i have forgotten how good and perfect it was.

we had established that level of comfort which took some years.

and we made that silent promise.

I am not sure who decided to let go of who.

before we knew, we were no longer dancing to the same tune.
our priorities changed, we changed, and we drifted further apart.

I can't forsee how the future would be like.

I have lost so many, but somehow I do not intend to loose all of yous.

thank you for putting up with me this far.

daily routines.

i managed to study from 3-11pm. oh that and plus a 4 hour break. hehe but still!i am very proud of myself. *pat my back**patpat*

on the other note, adikku is leaving for matrix gopeng. it feels weird because she has never been far from home before.one of the penghuni tetap definitely. and I have no one to bug when I go back. sigh. I wish some things would never change. and for some not to ever grow up.

I should start taking assignments seriously. i never knew cartoons could be so inspiring.

there would always be moment like this.

"there was never a single bird in the backyard before. but the day papa came to visit, there were hundreds of birds flocking over every single day,
and the moment he went back to malaysia all the birds disappeared as well."

ina told me this story before, and again, during my recent visit, when she was looking out at the backyard. i looked at her and realized she is just as unhappy as I was. we all are.he is irreplaceable. we missed him.that's sometimes it becomes unbearable.

it still hurts.

and things would never be all right.

i remembered the night he left, the night had never felt so quiet and still. and it felt so cold.

I remember how papa would sit at the balcony to do some bird-watching. he would tell me how you can see the different types and the beautiful ones normally would come out at night.

i remembered his last words..

I remembered how he never really got to say goodbye before he left.

papa reminded me from time to time how life goes on and how all the good things must come to an end. he says how taking a one way ticket was never easy for him.

the comfort, laughters, love, jokes, advices,the expressions, him. i long for these. these are the things i can never have.

it was never easy. and it gets harder as days, months passes by. I wish I could look back on memories with fondess. the days with him seems so far away and there would always be that empty spot. I missed him too much.

i am afraid of the thought of going back to a home without him. has it really been that long?sigh.

this is how it goes.

what has been up? beside exams, nothing much. I decided to study at least 3 hours a day.
it is always difficult to kick start something.
especially when it involves studying. yes especially this.

oh that, and the week with ina and the family.

arissa lost her two front teeth and ina decided to cut her hair short,yet again.
adam loves my pancake and I think he's going to break so many hearts when he grows up.
zara is i think the most 'ladylike' out of the three but is getting more on the defensive side to protect herself from the two big bullies. she is garang i tell you.

and i like the cotsworld!the scenery was amazing but i did not take much pictures except of the kids. and the quality wasn't as good since I used a camera phone.
I wouldn't mind growing old in places like this. I would have more of a quality life, and live hopefully happily ever after.

Finding the right dates to go back to malaysia has never been a problem when now I seem to procrastinate a lot.so far, I've decided on the 25th june.but this too, might change.

i love you before and always will.

I think there's a million of unspoken things of the love one has for their mother.

and the unspoken things is what makes it more special. what makes it more precious.

the unspoken bond.and the love that never fades despite many arguements and disagreements. and the only love I believe is real and permanent and does not fade away with time.

to the one and only mamachi,
HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY!

tentang kita

Waktu terasa semakin berlalu
Tinggalkan cerita tentang kita
Akan tiada lagi kini tawamu
Tuk hapuskan semua sepi di hati

Ada cerita tentang aku dan dia
Dan kita bersama saat dulu kala
Ada cerita tentang masa yang indah
Saat kita berduka saat kita tertawa

Teringat di saat kita tertawa bersama
Ceritakan semua tentang kita

Ada cerita tentang aku dan dia
Dan kita bersama saat dulu kala
Ada cerita tentang masa yang indah
Saat kita berduka saat kita tertawa

let's go sailing:sideways

The sky looks pretty
Normal and so do the trees
I woke up pretty
Early and I could see
That I’ve been walking
I’ve been thinking
I’ve been looking at you
Sideways.

I’ve been moving
I’ve been dreaming
I’ve been looking at you
Sideways.

I have no problems
Dipping in my feet
But the trouble comes when
I have to jump.
And all the reasons not to
Seem pretty good
At the time
Cause I’ve been walking
I’ve been thinking
I’ve been looking at you
Sideways.

Yeah I’ve been moving
I’ve been dreaming
I’ve been looking at you
Sideways.

eliza made me listen to this song and i felt in love with it because it's so pretty.

i missed the kids . sigh. and of course the sister. sigh sigh.

please, lets!

at last, the day i have long awaited has arrived. i don't know why i have very little room of tolerance towards stress. the best escapism(besides drugs) would be to just get away from all this. and to see familiar faces. faces of someone who understood. . To be honest, I don't really know who I am much. either the one who lacks confidence and feels bitter towards life, or the one perceive by most to be sweet, and have a big halo floating above her head. i seem to be moving towards the former. I guess I needed to be reminded of things I should feel good and grateful about. and to know that there is atleast those who still have much faith and confidence when I seem to be placing further doubts in either as the days goes.

ah, a week off from Dublin. You can't say I don't deserve it when you have no idea how hell-ish this ride has been.

i'll tell you a secret

day one: vegetarian with the exception of eating fish.

hey, i am learning to let go of the one i love=chicken. soon ill be tired of tuna and maybe i can be the ultimate vegetarian.it's just day one but i'm speaking and it even feels like i haven't eaten chicken for quite sometime. i like madinah's chicken beriyani. because it's cheap and it's not too berempah and wet(?). it's a bit like mama's, but of course my mum still rules when it comes to making the best chicken beriyani . *smiles*

i have been ssc-ing the whole day. trying to give my reflection on a movie i have not watched. i've been shop hopping from hmv to tower records, but still no sign of the cd. in the end i decided to make my very own story, thanks to wikipedia and google. i am quite happy with the end results, given my talent to go all around the world before reaching the point. within no time, i have my 500 words essay ready. without much substance though.
I think that would be sufficient enough for tomorrow's discussion. we're going to discuss the book the diving bell which I find , suprisingly, a bit different from the movie. I mean the movie is more commercialize, and somehow does not do justice to what the author has to say. But i guess, it has always been that way. I still remebere how harry potter dissapointed me. our imagination is really something kan?

i wanna hear what you have to say about this.

it is almost fun to have a dream about a stranger. someone you make up, someone you have not crossed path with. someone whose existance could be questioned. last night i had a dream driving around town when it's raining with some random guy. that i think, is my favourite time of the day, here in dublin.the after-it-rains-at-night. a guy I kind of liked. and it felt nice. and when I woke up, I kind of missed him. the unknown guy.oh well.

i am thinking of being a vegan. why you might ask? perhaps because from my view I see it as having more potential benefits. don't get me wrong, I love meat. so how long this will last, I might have to wait and see. i have a bet with kye to be one for at least a month. let us see between us two, who is more likely to suceed. funny, but my bet is on her. perhaps because she has stronger reasons than me. my reasons are more superficial, i think a bit selfish even. heh.

the weather these last few days has been quite nice. though I have headaches that goes on and off every now and then. but let us hope it shall stay this way. after all, it's may kan.

the diving bell and the butterfly

i loved the poster. but it took me a long time to actually watch it. perhaps because I wasnt in the mood for depressing movies. I don't need another movie to bring my whole spirit to the floor.


i don't quite know whether i love it, but I know I liked it. It's about this guy who had a locked-in syndrome, where he communicates using his one eye. he had a stroke, so the only thing that was still functional was his right eye i think. so basically the movie revolves around how he communicates and managed to write a book using the blink of his eye. one blink is for a yes, and two is for a no. i was supposed to read this for my assignment, but i thought I didnt have the time. i found out that we were supposed to give our reviews by next week, so I guess I'll spend my weekend on the finishing this assignment. the ending was sad, and I never like depressing movies. but go watch it if you have the time and money.

i love my ssc. basically because it involves watching movies and giving you're opinion about it. perhaps because the scope is wide, and you can crap alot for your 2000 words. I was never one who would go for the evidence-based research. Maybe because I don't think I am that smart, or maybe I couldnt bother confusing my mind more on statistical figures. so reason I chose medicine and humanities, you tell me. i guess it is pretty obvious.

the thing is.

oh kaname is H.O.T!!i think I am in love, with someone who is not even real.
but no harm in dreaming, no?

the thing is , i have a thing for vampires. they're just so. *blush blush*

and yea, vampire knight is awesome. go watch it if you have ample of time to waste. de-stress mission accomplished. but by the by, kaname is mine. so you know.

the sun is here.

i feel a certain longing whenever the weather is nice.

i think what I see is pretty. in a heartbreaking way.

i know it never fails to put me in this melancholic mood.

it's one of the many things I think feels familiar.

i missed home. but I missed the home I have always been looking forward to go back to.

I have always looked forward to going back home. to the long holidays.


but this year, and the next year, and the following years....

you know, it is amazing how a very boring day turns into a not-so-bad
day when i heard a funny heart sound. it sounded like a squeak. i know i know,
the worst thing is to be overjoyed with ones abnormalities, but I look
and him and he looked at me, and we both understood, that hey this is a
discovery! He was a good patient, and some I had on that day refused to even
have a little chat. I don't blame them. I do feel guilty as most of the
patients are 70+ and to do the physical examination could be a little
uncomfortable.

oh, I am looking forward to Saturday!:)))

You said you had a long dream,a very sad dream.

i have been lazy. very. that is something I am willing to admit. and that is something I don't feel like doing anything about either.

I was talking to a friend and I was saying how I wish we could just live a life and not having to have to be commited to anything at all. to me, it sounded like a blistful life. I loved the idea.

I understand the importance of knowledge, but I hold on to the freedom of seeking it. and not for it to be tested upon. or for us to be like a sponge, absorbing everything in, and pour it out whenever the time comes.
I don't know, I guess as I grow, I get tired of learnng things. of having to follow rules that doenst seem to make sense.

when you ask me can I just live doing nothing? there will be a point when boredom decides to grace me with its presence. but I think I am happy doing things I can put my heart into. these things are not anything fancy, but I don't mind going a thousand mile as long as I can keep these with me. perhaps I am not making any sense, except to myself that is. but maybe I am growing a bit bitter but for now I would like to remain that way. I will move on the brighter side, but for the time being I would like to stay just here.

lately, I have been having unhappy thoughts. I think I succumb to tears so easily. I think the in denial period seems to be wearing off and from time to time I am hit by the reality I have been trying to run away from.

i wish he was here.

i wish that everything makes sense. it was never perfect, but I felt there were meaning in everything that I do.

in one day, I can feel the four seasons. winter, autumn, spring, summer.

and it's april.

weird.

I would like to go to the beach and sing you a la-la song.:)

I need more crash course books. I don't need details, I just need something to help me sail through the exam.

love me, like I love you.

volleyball practises never fail to make me have this horrible muscle cramp all over the body. and to think, I have my advanced clinical skills next week, and osce by the end of it.

but I love it. I decided to stick to what I am good at, and be happy with it. the feeling and the satisfaction was so familiar. and I havent felt like this for a long long time.

hello lover.

they say, nothing last forever.
dreams change.
trends come and go.
but friendship never goes out of style.

a five hour of the sex and the city marathon, I kind of get what the fuss was all about it. i thought it was all about sex. and the sex talks. maybe I was a bit wrong about the whole concept. it took me years to force myself to sit down and watch it.

friendship, indeed, never goes out of style. when ppl have the same ideas and believes in it as much as you do.

can I giggle this way?

today i woke up around 6. and the next thing I know it was 12 pm.
god, I really need to do something to boost up my motivation level.

things I should and probably would be doing sometime soon:
a) see patients whenever I am free. practise!
b) allocate 2 hours studying every day.
c) start loosing weight. the bet will be over by july. it's either I am 300 richer or poorer. heh.

on the other note, my roomate is having her finals 2morow. and I am trying to get out of her way. that means,by staying in the living room. I know I would want my own privacy whenever the big thing arrives. I wonder how it feels being a final med. even now I am starting to freak out at the possibility of devoting more of my time into studying.
I don't know. sometimes I think I need a break. but on 2nd thougt, I aactually have ample time in my hand.

I have been listening to this indonesian band ungu : tercipta untukku. I know it is an old song. I think the words are pretty hearbreaking and it makes me all sad somehow. Especially when I am on the bus, heading back on a very sunny day. especially when the he goes
"Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Disetiap langkah
Yang meyakiniku"

what do you think?

"ku mahu kau menemaniku, di setiap langkah meyakiniku"

smile for me, please.

i am tired.

between the rush of who is better than who.

of trying to appear smart than another.


and all the pretentious talks.

god,i need some place where I do belong. no matter how long I have been here, my heart doesnt seem to be at the right place, and I feel like a stranger to myself.

a tear

family, nothing comes close.and nothing is more permanent.

the I post

aha, i do blogged a lot. especially when boredom strikes. especially when I am feeling low.

okay,
I will try not to let the negative vibe spread into the way I write.
but somehow, I realize I am more motivated to write when I am having a bad
day. ah, the comfort of your own words.

I have a new handphone.
I was never one who is up-to-date in the IT department. I do not see
the practicality. as long as it serves it's function I am a happy
person.

and I have to say I missed the old handphone.For what
it served and for the thousand memories linked to it. I would have
never thought it would be taken away from me, especially considering
the design, and I fondly call it " thekene gigit tikus hp". yati was making fun of how the thief was trying out his luck and would go "oh no, not what I have in mind definitely!".
note: oh, damn you to hell whoever you are. my your life be cursed from generation to generation.

Sigh.
I was a bit intrigued by the design and all the stuff you can do with this new one, but after a while it gave my a terrible headache.the vibrancy of colors and the complexity in a gadget? no thank you. but this will do for now.

dreams.

I remembered turning around and seeing you there. you holding out you're hand and me reaching out for it. the familiarity, the comfort, and feeling safe again. and having nothing to worry about.

it felt like home.

wincing the night away

I finally went for my first dancing lesson. I really thought I would be paying for some studio that at least have a mirror. at least I know whether I am getting things right. but they didnt have any, and I felt like giving it a go. enjoyable really, the music and the crowd kinda helped in a way. it was more like a small group, so it's like we were a given private lesson. I thought it was fun, but was a bit like learning things from the cds. but hey, mission accomplished!i finally made some move in achieving things I really would like to do before i grow grey and old, without knowing any moves. haha

grey and old, I seem to use that word a lot, no?

and please do watch spiderwick chronicles. i thought it was not my cup of tea, but it was suprisingly entertaining nonetheless. actors who can really act does wonders,even if the plot might have been a bit predictable.this is in comparison to 10,000 BC, where the casts are, one word kaku. sigh.

ain't no sunshine when you're gone

i wish i can tell you how painful it is when I fondly unfold the strings of memories from the past, the it hits me I can never do any more of that.

I am not sure how I am. I realize I felt empty all these while. when I discover something new, when part of my life changes, I am reminded that you are no longer here with me.

i long for the memories, i long for so many of things I can never have.

why the cruelty? why the suffering? why the grieving?

but underneath this hovering grey cloud, I do know something for sure..that I,really can't wait to see you again.:'(

you're the part of me I love

I just realized I don't display my emotions in public very well. It is more of a protective layer, trying to appear more guarded. I believe that now, most might think I am an insensitive person, when truly, you clearly have no idea. the truth is you don't know me at all. I only allow you to see the part I want you to see.

on the other note, I am very proud of my sister. I know it was a very hard time for you. with papa's condition and it happend when you were having you're SPM. I know it has been a very rough time. I know it must have been most painful for you. but Congratulations to the one I always have my cat and dog fight with. I truly do love you, never have any doubt in that. even when I am in my meanest mode. :)
And we are all here to support you all the way through whichever route you choose.

p/s:my twitching eye just won't go away. how can I ever look into any eye?:(

i keep singing into the sky

i have a suddden urge to learn something. you know what i would like to do? i really would like to take up dancing. i think i am a bit self-concious, and i think a little guidance might help in you know, learning some moves. i think i have always wanted to try something, but never came around really doing it. i think it is about time i take charge of my own life.okay, i didnt sound a bit too motivated,,, er right?


you know what? i have a twitching eye. the one that comes and go. the one that moves from the end to the middle. god this is so annoying.

I am a free man with no free place to go.

aloha!

so i am back again. after a few days bumming around I figurd I really should start blogging again. the other account is still valid, but somehow it is getting too personal. and I think you know I like to keep most of my skeleton in the closet. i think, lately, I have been letting most of the things I normally would not let ppl know out there. so I think it is time to put an end to it.

i was never out there to fish for symphathy. at times I feel I am gaining much support that I can, but you know what? in the end I think the one that stood there through out these rough time was me, and of course my familia, and a few others back home. it's okay, I know you never truly understood.perhaps you never will. I don't believe in friendship as much as I did. it was beautiful while it lasted. and thank you for the memories.

what has been up? nothing much. hospital life sucks. i never believe I am cut to do this. I don't know. most of the time I do feel lost, and somehow the changes makes me missed the familiar things so much more. I think things are moving on too fast. and
now I am done with the medical rotation, and still managed to get one of the SHO laugh at my obvious lack of clinical skills. " no you wouldnt wanna do that" he says. sigh.

you know what i really would like to do? other than turning back time, and you know... i could use a road trip. with my fav ppl, with my fav music, heading to the the beach on a sunny sunny day. i need a break. but please refer to the above.