i decided to deactivate my facebook. maybe it's a temporary decision. because I just realize that it's not healthy. both mentally and spiritually. so I'll give more attention to my abandoned blog, where updates are only when I feel crappy and not sure which way to turn to. but hopefully future updates will be so much better.

it's going to be 3 weeks from now that I'd be sitting for my final paper. May the force be with every one of us.x

what annoys me sometime is how pretentious we sometimes are.
I'm not sure if we're trying to protect something that was once there, or afraid of letting go because living in delusion seems way better than deailing with the truth.

on the other note, exam is nearing. i fear my knowledge is not enough to sail me through what liea ahead in january and may.

i wish i was smarter sometimes. oh well.

there are those people you don't feel the neeed to keep up appearances.
conversations flow easily.i let me guard down.my flaws doesn't seem to matter that much. this feels real and permanent. this feels safe.

thank you.

last 16th of november. 2 years. we miss him everyday, but this was the day. the day he left.

it still feels like a lifetime without him. time flies, but ive wished for it to fly me backwards, back to those days with him around. sometimes i forget, but when i remember that is when the memory unfolds.

how he likes it when we prepare cempedak goreng. the last conversation and when he sent me to the ktm. how i could find him sitting at the balcony. how he likes his icecream with bananas. badmintons and movies. teas and jokes.gardenings and pasar malams. his voice, his wisdom. those funny faces he makes. sitting next to him. how he brings out the childish part in each one of us. how he makes us proud of him everyday.

he brings that peaceful feeling. that very feeling that everything is going to be alright. because he will be there.

when I look back, I see my bestest friend. and i see the greatest human being I would ever known.

and I am thankful pa, everyday and always.

I love you pa, and miss you so very much.words doesn't do justice. nor does it changes anything.

Al-Fatihah.

i am back in waterford again. two more weeks to go. and I have two weekends to look forward to. so until then study study and study until my brain is ready to burst with information and I shall beg for the dates of my finals to arrive asap. but that of course, will never happen.fingers crossed!

my weekends are filled with goodbyes. don't you just hate them?I am officially friend-less, which sometimes makes me feel a bit sad. but to keep me going i shall occupy each day with my new-found love for my books. i miss my roomate already. we might not the bestest of friends, but I've develop some level of trust,fondness and comfort over a short period of tym when with others it perhaps will never happen. She is one of the few ppl who genuinely is interested and remembers what I've to say. I never quite knew that I would feel as sad until it hit me that she really is leaving. and you know how it goes from here, you might not ever hear from that person, or there would be constant updates, but it is never the same like seing each other every day. but I hope she finds what she is looking for, and I am confident this is the best choice for her. after all Malaysia, you win hearts everytime!:)

i'm sorry. i keep on repeating the same trend over and over again here in my blog.
I understand that some feelings are best kept because as much as I would like to blog about things, I have to be honest. I am drag back to square one. who am I kidding?it will never go away. I now have a diary, so my despair, and frusrations are meant to be kept, and i'll keep it safe and closest to the heart.

so back to blogging about daily activities it is.

I am in waterford, perhaps not being productive as I ought to be. finals is now 9 weeks and counting. aint it scary how time flies. it makes you miss those days. friends, and family. i think i miss them ever day. they are my daily dose of sanity, and of course, what keeps me going.

i am a hippo. i have no discipline. i am not driven. i am extremely introverted these days. i forget how to start a conversation. i lack the interest to sustain one. i wish there is that white clowd you see in comics. just read my thoughts. out loud. i think it's just me. i shy back to my comfort space. i detest changes. so i am struggling to stay in one place. geddit?

i'll be a doctor, 6 months from now. and I'll let you know when it is perhaps the safest time, to come to me, because with my level of knowledge and skills, I could offer nothing but harm.:)

it's going to be almost 2 years in 3 weeks time.
but it feels so long, so so long, that he is no longer here in our lives.
I still miss him as much as I did before, perhaps so much more as time goes.

sometimes i'd pretend that he went on a long journey,
and somedays I have this unrealistic hope that one day, I will see him again.
it might take a lifetime, or it might be sooner than expectd,
but Insya Allah I will get there.
I hold on to that tiny little hope, and keep it close to this tiny little heart.

you're beautiful

right now, this is my guilty pleasure.after all entertainment is something universal right. trust me, korean dramas annoys me to death. but this one is too cute to resist.:)

some strive to be different, to make a difference, to be not be part of what is different. the list goes on, but in the end the one who's missing out on things is you yourself. you would sacrifice teeny bits of yourself until one day you'd come to realize the you today are actually fractions of ppl you have met along the way.

A friend.are definetly not the ones I find so hard to keep.

I am a bit suffocated and repelled by such advances. I am not sending you signals, so stop acting like we're in the middle of a courting process. seeing you now just makes me want to run a mile further away. :(

You shouldn't give up.
Fight for yourself and
who you are. You've got
to go through the worst
times in life to get the best.

07/08/09

the last 6 hours, the only improvement I've made is moving my butt from sitting on the bed, to now, my chair. but attention wise, still the same. facing my very own hp tablet.

and you know what?my written paper would be early january. how unfair.

the gloomiest time of the year.

I am sitting on my bed as I type,remembering one of the best birthday parties I truly did enjoy. I had my family,and my bffs. I wonder if we knew what lies ahead of us, perhaps we would all dread the year we grow a year older.
because each year brings us closer to loosing the most important men in our lives.

in the last two years, one by one started to leave
first kye's

mine;s
atun's
and now...

Be strong maggie. I know once the shock wears off things will get more difficult. but do know, that I'd be here, always, whenever you need a friend.as your crying shoulder, anything you would want me to be.
I know life wgets harder.
but it will be, Insya Allah more bearable.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

last night I had a dream about him. eventhough it was a dream, I took my chances.
the agony of pain and knowing how pain feels like.
I begged, I cried, I pleaded.
I wanted him to stay.
because he was just too important to me.
too important that I wanted to forget.

I am sorry for my selfishness.
I don't want to remember.
there's no way to turn back time.
and no way to return back what we have lost.

when i was doing my dishes and feeling the warmth of the evening sun and admiring the beauty of an evening back home.

when i feel most grounded, truly at my happiest.

when i feel closest to me.

i realized those are the moments i still miss him the most.

Sometimes I never quite understood.
Not even by witnessing,not even by feeling it.
Acknowledging it feels so wrong.
But it creeps slowly,like a shadow.
suffocating at first,suffocating at last.
I'd sit, stare and feel empty.
I just feel so lonely.

I would like to dissapear
for a while
because life holds nothing
only more heartache
only more dissapoinment.

And more painful to live.

I really miss pa.it hurts to be reminded.sigh.

pretty little things

Loving hurts.

As much as hating does.

I admit.

I am perhaps one of the most uninteresting ppl you'd ever meet.

I spent most of the days either cleaning up the hse,watching randon dramas or
Just lying on the bed staring into nothingnes.

I can do these for days.years even.

Because these are the things that makes me feel content.

Being home.enjoying its peacefulness and mamas siren once in a while.

Pa I know why you love home and being at home so much.
You'd taught us to enjoy the little things in life.

I spent half the number of years hating him.

But now I feel sorry for him.can't life be a bit kinder?.

I wish he was freed of things.things that has been haunting him for years

No ono knows because I wouldn't tell.but that doesn't mean I care less.

Sometimes when everything around you is falling apart you start missing the person who reminded you of the happy times and the last time you truly felt what love is. and he sees you in the way you or others will ever see yourself.

Of relationships and such at 1.44 am

I have to admit, at times I am a bit freaked out whether I would ever meet the right person.

or whether I would be good enough for the person I eventually like one day.

it's been almost a number of years of waiting, and tripping over a few, and still.

perhaps it is true. there's no such thing as meeting your dream guy except in your dreams.;)

random entry

Today, okay maybe yesterday marked one week I'm back home in Malaysia. and safe to say, I would officially return back to Dublin as a final med student.
Alhamdulillah, I am thankful to the One and Only.

My 4th year was a total nightmare. Came June, I had to cover what I have learnt for all the rotations I had up to date! it's been a crazy roller-coaster ride, and I had my constant mood swings.:) but when the results were out, the taste of victory never tasted as good. by the end of everything, I was mentally drained, and now finally recovered. given the number of days spent self-indulging, and bummming around.

I still need to do my electives. I know it's not compulsory for my college, but to have options to work either in Dubs/Malaysia, I guess I do need to do it anyhows. I am such a lazy cow, I should have it done back in January. But knowing me, I always(ALWAYS) leave things until the very last minute. Now it's down to Kajang/Serdang/UM. I am hoping for good news by the end of the week. fingers crossed!

I need to sort out my life. Sometimes I feel my life is such a mess. I am not driven enough. I wished things will just fall down from the sky by just snapping my fingers. but I guess in reality, that doesn't, or would never, work. the world would revolve with or without you. it's a matter of keeping up.

and I guess I might start by keeping a diary and starting my own photo album.:)

i sometimes feel tired bounded by words. words used to describe me.

i hate it most when you say "this is not your thing".

because i keep on changing. and i am not the same every day.

all I would love to do is just get down and be silly.
and remember how fun it was being a kid.
silly and careless.

life was much simpler, and much more, pain-free.

I'm sad.

it seems the ones I care are leaving me.
one
by
one.

next winter I would truly be alone. :(

i think my life is better organized now. have started to do a bit of studying, a bit of dieting, a bit of reorganizing things. so maybe I've not reached my target point just yet, but at least this is better than nothing.

RCSI is tormenting it's students. I am not sure if any college would change their system as much as this college does.I mean with every batch there would be changes in the exam format, and even in our module. every year is about experimenting.every year is about either failing its students or giving every reasons for the students to hate the experience of being a student there. mainly because once we reach our 4th year, it is all about independent learning,and the expectations are sometimes just too ridiculous.

To me, it's an extra burden because I can't afford to fail. reason no 1 is because of my flight dates. and second is because of Yati's wedding. I rather missed my paper rather than miss her wedding.

but things aren't looking so good.sighsigh.

shhh

you know what?

i do like oag.

hah.

one of the all time favvsss

edinburgh is a gorgeous city to live in. i love how it has a bit of everything. it's truly one of the places you'd like to visit when you're here.and this scottish duplex we're staying in is unbelievable. ina was lucky to get this place for a night!it normally would have costed a fortune, but with ina's luck she managed to get it for a very very reasonable price.

i love being away from dublin. because in dublin I am miserable and unhappy. and I am not with my ppl.or with the ppl who knows me at all. i think i need my dose of sanity once in a while.

i'll tell you something you might not be interested in knowing pon.

i have truly fell in love about 4 times. and these are the ones i fall head over heels with.but these ppl too, are the ones I will never have a chance in getting.

and they would all have the same aura. and my friends would normally go' mmg type you pon'. it is easy to point out. if you knw me that well that is.

I have some who ask me to lower my standards, and to go after those within my reach.after all I am not in the position to choose right?

but for now, I don't see the reason putting myself in a something with that someone for the fear of ending up alone. or because it just seemed convenient.
the whole thing just seems.a bit, no SO sad. because I am secretly wanting to be swept off my feet by my prince charming. because I secretly do want to have my own fairytale ending.

so I'll wait. even if it will take me.hurm forever?;)

sometimes i just feel tired.. of being me.

the magic faraway tree

Do you guys remember this book? this was personally one of my favourite books as a kid and I would read it over and over again. and picture the tree, characters and the lands. everytime I think of the book, it never fail to remind me of something that is so so magical.:)

Of vanity

I am very shallow. I admit. most of the times Id be thinking of how to shed 10kgs in such a short time. or things like why cant that oily greasy food/ choc be good for me? why cant those things be consumed any time and in any amount?why does all the awfully tasting vegs alike is the one which do us good?

If I were given a choice to be somebodyelse, I think Id like to be a dancer. I can't dance. when I try to learn they're posting me outside Dublin. for my GP rotations where I am supposed to be in Drogheda for 3 weeks. but they're going to put me in a hotel, which worries me because I am going to feel as if I'm on vacation. and I won't study.and I can't afford to fail because of yati's wedding and the hassle of having to rebook the tickets.

but on the other note, I think I was pretty happy because for once I don't feel so bad among the others in a group.It's nice to be complimeted once in a while because it gives you the confidence in doing something. even if that something is not something to die for.

welcome back

yes, I am very frickle minded. I would decide to either open my blog to public/ the other way round. for now, this is my decision.

when I do decide to make it private, maybe it's because things are getting a bit more..personal, and for me, I don't like this public display of my emotions. okay okay, maybe sometimes I do. for reasons which are beyond my control at times.
but as far as I know, people who do read this blog are mostly my close friends so hence the decision to make it public.yet again.

but the change in style. perhaps something like a diary?to fill it in with fillers of my very boring life yes?

now I feel like posting pictures.

I love london. because london offers a range of really cheap food and clothes and reminds me of everything nice. unlike dublin which is ridiculously expensive(when it is a kampung really) and try to squeeze out as much as they could from us, even when the economy is badd. one of the countries to raise their taxes when facing recession. sigh.. but I'll be here for another year(hopefully) and I think I am definitely going back home to practise. after all, nothing beats home.I just think I had enough of being here.haha

au revoir simone: the lucky one

A dream of togetherness
Turned into a brighter mess
A faint sign my spoken best
Now, now

Make way for the simple hours
No finding the time its ours
A fate or it's a desire
I know

So I was the lucky one
Reading letters, not writing them
Taking pictures of anyone
I know

So let the sunshine
So let the sunshine
So let the sunshine let it come
To show us that tomorrow is eventual
We know it when the day is done

menjaga hati

Darling,
lama tak buka mail box.Apani selalu tak ada kredit-wang sembunyi dimana- di Macdonanlds!
ada attachment untuk keep you awake. He he..
Luv
papa


Darling ,
Before i forget ~happy Birthday and Good Luck in your exams.
I think I can go to Manchester now as the fare has reached my typical Budget (Rm 10/=!)
Luv
Papa


I know.

I don't deal with my loss well.

when one leaves, the part of me when I am with them dies away, slowly and will be part of my memories.

memories I so dearly cherish and hope to relive most of the time.

It's the part of me I love most.

It's when I think of him, I slowly choke. for I could not bring myself to picture my future.

the future which excludes him. when my, our past, had always revolved around him.

life has to go on he says, but moving on brings me further away from my past.

and my past is something I am not willing to let go.

it's too soon to grow up. it's too soon to have to stand on my own two feet.

I'm delivering babies. oh wait, I'm observing babies being delivered.
geddit?

erm,not a pretty sight. at least not when you see 19years old kids popping out babies and you feel like a 24 year old granny. weird. there goes your youth.haha

I remember pa.

so I kept on running.trying to become someone I'm not. but sometimes you stumble, and when you stumble, you hit the ground hard. like, really hard.

when I think of those days, it stings, because it's something my heart aches for, but it's something I could never have. so you're afraid of going anywhere near there. but sometimes, your memories unwinds infront of you, retelling you a story. A story you so dearly remembered. A story you sorely miss. It was once and will always be your favourite. The best, yes ultimately.

It's Febuary the 17th,and I miss you today pa.

i feel so crappy today.

come a bit closer.

i have been 24 for a while now and aged in a way most of us would prefer to, with their loved ones. I had the best set of people and food, what more can one ask for?:)

what did I wish for? it is of course, a secret.let a wish be left as a wish, even if one is not meant to come true.

my days have been filled with ward rounds, and I spend most of my time on the road. I can't imagine myself doing all this before. because the thought of becoming a medical student, or even a doctor never really crossed my mind. this path I choose, as much as it was my mother's choice, was something I can easily choose not to take. because there wasn't any pressure. but I freaked out, and this seemed like the best opportunity to seize and the right thing to do. so I walked down the path, and the road has not been a smooth one. i stumbled, but yet I managed to survive somehow. I don't know whether it's my luck, or I have a secret angel looking over me, but I have made it this far.I'm a 4th year medical student yo!

ok that was totally random.

oh and I am still annoyed with trends and obsessions. why some wouldn't embrace diversity is beyond me. for once be an individual, rather than follow the herd. so what if you're the odd one, at least I can look at you and still see you.

and ok that was a random post number two.

the last two nights I dreamt of him. we were sitting on the pavement and he smiled. in my dreams, it felt like he never left. but I knew I've been missing him, and missed seeing him. He brought this familiar feeling, which always reminded me of home.the same comfort, the same warmth in his eyes.

I know it will never truly heal.

time sure flies.

one thing

I think I am misunderstood. but at the same time I might be the most self-centred and selfish b**** you might come across. wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to read each other's mind?and that I, don't have to spell out everything which defined me and for your emotions to be as naked as it should have been.

I am still 23

time flies. I have noticed.this is the 23 years old me talking, or urm, typing. I'd like to believe in many ways, I have not change. perhaps I'm still the sweet little girl you knew from back then. maybe I still giggle to your silly jokes, have silly crushes, and think of nick carter as one of the most beautiful person on the earth.*blushes* but see,if I tell you this, right now, you'd laugh out straight in my face.of course you know why. we have our age limits for things which are acceptable to us. and as for me, those are among the things which are meant to be packed, sealed and delivered into my box labeled 'memories'. sigh

as for the new year's resolution, so far the only thing I have managed to cross out from the list is eating healthy meals. and attend classes. I am imspired by some and intimidated by others. but that is something which keeps you going, it motivates you to achieve those little things in life and hopefully gets you to stay in line(ceh!)but I know this will not last for long, for the new year is still new. and there are so many temptations coming my way. I deserve a big warm hug from all of yous, say in 300 ++ days from now, you'd meet a new and better me. hopefully yeah. keep those prayers and good wishes coming my wayy. haha

tonight-stars

come around and say you love me
hang your heart in lights above me
is that too much to ask for?
When the night descends upon us
take a shower dry your hair by the furnace
I'll watch you from the corner

Telephones and old typewriters
words of love along the wires
Let's make it work tonight
Telegraphs and birds that fly
through air so still you hear me sigh
Let's make it work tonight
Tonight, tonight

Then furious you threw the picture
eye cap in hand an awful mixture
That kind of hard love is the worst
I try to speak but you don't hear me
when you're gone you still feel near me for a while for a little while

I've tried Telephones and old typewriters words of love along the wires
But nothing is working tonight
I've tried telegraphs and birds that fly through air so still you hear me sigh
But nothing is working tonight
Tonight, please let's make it work tonight
Please let's make it work tonight, tonight

oh, the entry below refers to my love and hate relationship with food. *blushblush* funny how people think I have a secret boyfriend, when I clearly don't. the only secret I've been holding over the weekend was about my suprise trip to manchester this friday. and that too has been told to the one and only.so, no secrets. If I ever do find someone, you'd get the hint. he'd be in every one of my posts(hopefully not,:P). that's the beauty of falling for someone.:)


I miss mama!!:(

I am getting dumber as I age. .

there, I find the untouchable and unreachable irresistible. SIGH.

but at least I have something to write down in my diary and laugh about 10 years from now.:)

the new year post

my 09 resolutions

- to loose 15kgs
- to study harder, and perhaps start taking medicine seriously
- to learn something new
- to eat healthy stuffs.
- to attend classes and not missed the mondays and fridays of my rotations
- to try not to fail any of the rotations.
- to put on a bit of makeup
- to wear colours other than blacks.
- to try to be less critical
- to be nicer, happier
- to be a better person and muslim
- to write something in my diary everyday